Where I live

We had a snowfall this weekend. No, we didn't get a snow day. Yes, we were all expected to go on with our lives even though no one could leave their house. Most people spent 5 hours shovelling, I didnt, I live in an apartment for just this reason. The saving grace was knowing I would be somewhere tropical in just over a week.

Come to My Senses

I really like a new song by Doug Burr called "Come to My Senses". its very sweet, i had to buy it on itunes since there doesn't seem to be a youtube or myspace version of it. Thats okay, its worth the .99 cents.

The main hook line is: "If I come to my senses, will you have come yours". It fills me with happiness when I find a song that describes exactly how i feel at exactly that moment.

I decided that instead of a new years resolution I would pronounce the year 2010 as "THE YEAR TO GO FOR IT". I haven't really gone for anything yet. I've tried to do some important things like move my career forward, i feel like somehow i have lost the drive already.

I guess there are still 49 weeks left in the year.

4 of which I am spending in New Zealand in exactly 2 weeks.

Last Years Resolutions

So last year i posted some resolutions i was thinking about. Here are my thoughts and updates on those

* Accept the aging process - yes, my body is decaying and my chances of baby making grow slimmer each day. but hey, it could be worse, I could be a zombie. I dont think i did this - I just turned 27 it was just as awful as i thought it would be...only celebrated with those i love.
* Stop treating myself like I am poor - I was raised by hippies which meant, to want something was to be materialistic and selfish. As such, I have a fear of spending money on anything but food. oooo i'm eating a cookie and coffee right now, i have learned to spend lavish amounts of money on myself and now worry that i won't be able to go back to being poor.
* Learn to tell stories better - i love it when people tell great stories that have nuggets of wisdom. i think i developed more confidence in my ability to tell stories, not so much actually become better at it.
* Try 40 days of yoga - pass
* Lose 25lbs - yes we all say this and then don't do it. but really, if I can't have a great body when I am 26 when can I have one? pass, no thank you
* Lower my debt to less then $5000 - Last year I reduced my debt from 14,000 to just under $8500 so only a few more dollars to do - well currently my debt load is $5,924.84 that is pretty close! definately a job well done
* Learn to play the piano - a few years ago I dropped some debt into buying a piano...still haven't really played it, maybe this is the year - nope nope i didnt do that
* Meditate daily - nope not this one either
* Let go of anxiety - a daily issue of mine - oooo success!! with the removal of caffiene from my diet i would say i have achieved this!
* Become a fastidious cleaner - so my house can look like one in a magazine - it took me about 10 months to get there but now i loves me a tidy home. success!
* Learn to sew - i got a sewing machine for my birthday, its probably time - nope
* Become more self-disciplined - I dont even know where to start with that one - still dont know where to begin with that one
* Take a university class - Check! I have signed up for one for thursday and i got a 80 or so mark. good job me!
* Develop stronger confidence and belief in my ability and path - yeah i think so.

in general, last year i felt like having more rounded less action oriented goals. this year i feel like some specifics.

so in closing i achieved the following:

I took a university class
I got control over my anxiety
I become a fastidious cleaner
I reduced my debt and now have less then 6000$ worth of debt.
I also learned more about how to speak my mind and be myself.
I also learned a little bit of the banjo and bass, thats pretty awesome too!

Learning How to Score

Here's an idea.

A friend of mine recently left her boyfriend of 7 years. She moved out and packed her bags after realizing he wasn't going to marry her and had been emotionally stonewalling her for awhile. She still has some of her business in his house so she sees him regularly and he cooks her supper and continues to act as if they are together. As a way to coach him into learning about how you invest in a relationship and how people damage relationships, as advised by her counselor, she started talking to him about a point system.

In this point system either individual can gain a point for investing in the relationship - like making supper, listening intently, saying something kind, doing something selfless ect. Also, either individual can lose 3 points for damaging the relationship (since damaging things can be far more hurtful to a relationship) this could be for not listening, critical...really anything that is hurtful.

In this instance this fellow is a sports minded accountant so the point system works in a way that could motivate him by using a frame of reference he already understands.

I'm complete aware that relationships are not about "keeping score" but I think this idea has some merit for myself. I have learned that I can give unconditionally and settle for very little reciprocation and that when something happens that is hurtful I tend to forget about it. This point system could allow me to continue to forgive and forget but still acknowledge the damage occurred and acknowledge that it can be overcome with relationship investments.

We'll see how it goes.

rage and its many facets

the thing about rage is i dont know what to do with it.

someone says something simple, with all the pleasantries like Please and thank you and all the snide, belittling, condescending pretention that sets my blood on edge

and the feeling of anger starts the rise and yet I am totally devoid of the ability to understand why i am angry, i doubt whether that was the persons original intent,

i seethe, i fume, i breathe. I wonder when my sharp snap will be beyond my control

thank goodness its christmas and there are so many treats....i just saddle up to the trough

shit, i forgot to post anything

oh wait, nothing has really happened, so that kinda makes sense.

the newest thing i'm doing these days is whatever the hell i want to because i have an underactive thyroid and apparently this is related to the emotional belief "i never get to do what i want"....which is a belief i strongly hold to.

so now, i have been working on doing, being, saying, thinking and wanting whatever the heck i want to.

illustrious affairs!
more money!
a better body!
no more working!
partying til dawn!

all this and more will be mine, if i want it. and i do....except for the days when I just want to nap.

The Perfect Music Mix

I'm making a CD for a friend. I've never done this before, in all my years being a music lover and receiving mix tapes from people. i've never made one for another.

I started by gathering some of my favorite songs, the ones that meant the most, that moved me the most. After bringing them together I realized so many of them were about God. It was a funny realization for me, I mean i love God, I'm a religious woman, but I had never realized how the songs that sound to me like they could be about God.

And so now an odd predicament. Do I give someone a mix CD of my quasi religious music? In the face of the cultural reality that no one in their right mind listens to religious music in Canada? And to be honest, this is for a friend, that I feel "more then friend" feelings for. So hence the trepidation.

Another trepidation...songs that aren't about God. Are about love...so I worry which songs will be read into. What will he think if he hears this song? that its my personal letter to him? Maybe thats not a bad thing.

IN the end fuck it, i figure, thems are the facts. these are the songs I like and these are the songs he gets.

Some of the selections include Aretha Franklin, Squeeze, The Streets, and Patti Griffin. Really, only the best and I'm even obsessing about lineup and how to arrange the songs so they flow and it all makes sense and hopefully moves my listener.