When I am 64

At some point in the life of many women, they wake up one morning and decide "they ain't takin shit from no body no more". And from then on all is different and they stop living in fear of pissing people off. They still love their families and do good in so many ways, but they let go of the bull shit.

I've seen it happen a few times, mainly to women in their midlife. My two aunts woke up on the same morning, felt the same thing, decided they wouldn't be putting up with each others bullshit any longer, told eachother off and haven't spoken since.

While maybe that wasn't the best example of the kind of emotional freedom a crave, I still just wish that today was my morning. And for it not to happen when I am nearly sixty.

I believe in being a caring woman, to take care of others to do my all for them. I also believe in living my own life and being true to my own path. I think I do both of these with a variety of success. But I also know, I spend a great deal of time not wanting to hurt or offend others - when I'm not sure they extend me the same courtesy. And I spend time investing in relationships out of guilt or duty. And I avoid talking or pursuing too strongly some of the great loves in my life out of fear others would feel excluded. I socialize with people when I want to be alone.

All of this has me craving that swift fix, the light that comes on and everything is changed to be suddenly self assured and confident and not so concerned about what people think. But maybe for me if I want it to happen earlier it will be more of a daily battle. The battle to not please others while remaining confident I am still a good person, friend and partner.