On waking up

There's this corner in my city where when you turn you always crash into someone because you didn't see them coming.

I often think of this corner when my life is moving in one direction and then BAM! my life is entirely different then expected.

My most recent run in that had me falling on my ass in suprise, involved my boyfriend, a dog and the universe. I did something my boyfriend at the time was not pleased with and he filled with rage and called me names and said it was over.

The intensity of his emotions overwhelmed me and most of the rest of that day I believed all the things he told me, being weak, being a horrible human being, worthless and the list goes on.

And then I came to realize he crossed the line.
And then with more time I realized that his behaviour was abusive.
With more time I realized there were early signs I should have seen.

And even in the face of that, I wanted to keep the relationship, work with him to change his anger issues, share more with him, stand up for myself more. And he cried he loved me and wanted to change and we could make this work. And I did love him.

Then after a little of a break he said it was time we went our own ways, we were just two different people. Which I agreed with, and was grateful he had come to this decision because I hadn't the heart for it.

He called me and missed me and wanted to make sure I was doing okay. And it was hard knowing I wasn't doing too bad and thought he was having a really rough time in the situation. and had he asked me back, even in the sight of his behavior and family and friends disapproval, i would have taken him back.

Then with a few more days I discovered he cheated on me, a few days before we officially broke up and most likely before that.

Finally the last straw.

Finally my back bone appeared.

Finally enough.

But I was still scared of him, it wasn't until he called me to confront me about something he felt I had done to hurt him that I got up the nerve to say "I know you lied to, cheated on and manipulated me"...my heart raced, my body shaked...I hung up as he tried to argue and pull me into another discussion.

At this point he feels I am a weak psycho bitch who is very dramatic and he can't believe I would do this to him.

I can't believe I was so duped, I can't understand his motivations, I wonder if any of the man I thought he was actually exists, i wonder if I am too harsh to use words like abuse, narcissist and controller.

In my small moments where I imagine what I want to do with reckless abandon, I think of real psycho bitch things to do like throw his furniture out the window, find another man and all that jazz.

But the rest of the time I am just grateful for the amazing friends and family I have that saw who he was before I did and accept me back with loving arms. The distant strangers who offer me the truth of my situation and the universe for making the situation happen and helping me to find my way out faster and faster everyday.