One month

One month today since the dramatic ending of my previous relationship.

Yesterday I watched this aweful movie where the couple has a baby at the end of the movie, I cried.

Even when your partner was an abusive controlling cheater you miss them. or rather you miss the man you thought he was. and you mourn the future you thought you could have. its not based on reality but its a loss.

my ex still thinks that i lost my mind and that i orchestrated his emotions and used this as an excuse to hide behind words like "abusive" so that I could run away from him. that just sounds like more abusive blaming techniques to me.

I miss the man I thought he was. I saw his highest self, not who he was. Its happened before.

I got asked on a date, which is scary and fun. Its been awhile since i had a "real date" and it feels really soon, which it is, but I also think its a good idea to get to know other men and see how their brain works and to feel like I can find a well adjusted man who loves me.

I think I am more suspicious of men and their motives now, and I won't be distracted by pretty fake words this time.