champion!

It just so happens I am a Goat Milking Champion. There is a new girl at work, who is utterly fabulous who happens to be a mutton busting champion. We felt our trophies needed to meet.

And here they are in all their glory....with a visit from Superman and Batman.

paranoia

Now and then i get a little worried that people I actually know, know about the blog. Here I say what i want, and feel, hopefully uncensored and having people know about it worries me sometimes. I'm a very muzzled person, I never speak without thinking and I hold back a lot...except maybe when I crack a joke I think is funny and turns out offends another.

Lately, I've been trying to swear less, it be great if I didn't swear at all but lets just start with lowering my swearing quotient. yesterday the object of my affection asked why i was doing this, not because he is a great encourager of swearing, but because he was curious. I couldn't really articulate why, the only lame reason I could give was that I was swearing around seniors and children and that told me it was a little out of control.

My ex boyfriend called today, i saw his number come up and fear struck my heart. He recently "unfriended" me on facebook (which is a stinging blessing) and emailed me a few times, which i ignored...and then now this phone call. he didn't leave a message, which just leaves me on my toes wondering if he'll call again....maybe he just accidentally called me.

its funny how i feel for him anger, fear, and when i feel really safe...i grieve the loss of him and the loss of myself in him. thats the way I censor myself when I think of him...everytime i feel sad about it i tell myself he's not worth it, or i was sad and lonely enough when I was with him i don't need to be sad and lonely now. but its important i think of him and grieve him so that i don't censor it.

on days like these i love my job

this is grumpy pants

not so grumpy today

on second thought

i think i dont want to do anything

i've got all sorts of things i am doing and I am totally happy with and i want to continue.

i dont want to take on more and be stressed out. i feel like i am on track, i could and will do more, when I'm ready.

till then, i'm happy with where i am for now

What to do now?

I am trying to assert my independence and pursue my life without a partner and not to try to fill that spot with just anyone. To actually be strong and happy alone, to do so I must actually make a life for myself. No idea where to start so I thought I'd start with my new years resolutions:

* Accept the aging process BORING
* Stop treating myself like I am poor done
* Learn to tell stories better this could be alright
* Try 40 days of yoga ooo i started yoga but i dont love it so thats a no
* Lose 25lbs this is a possibility but i'm kinda looking for something fun
* Lower my debt to less then $5000 in the process
* Learn to play the piano possible
* Meditate daily lame
* Let go of anxiety thats starting to happen
* Become a fastidious cleaner wow, did i forget who i am while i wrote this?
* Learn to sew hmm yes this could be interesting
* Become more self-disciplined i was obviously delusional when i wrote this
* Take a university class done
* Develop stronger confidence and belief in my ability and path story of my life

i think i'm looking for something more exciting, not just a skill or behavior, something larger, something inspiring ie. one day i want to build myself a house, maybe i could start on something much larger like this. or writing 300 songs or writing a book...something larger

Cat Love

I have a secret.

I have a lovely crush.

He's pretty fabulous.

He's shy so I must be patient and play it cooler then usual. And if he's not interested thats fine, I feel like at least I know what a good man looks like now.

I haven't been happier in a long time.