paranoia

Now and then i get a little worried that people I actually know, know about the blog. Here I say what i want, and feel, hopefully uncensored and having people know about it worries me sometimes. I'm a very muzzled person, I never speak without thinking and I hold back a lot...except maybe when I crack a joke I think is funny and turns out offends another.

Lately, I've been trying to swear less, it be great if I didn't swear at all but lets just start with lowering my swearing quotient. yesterday the object of my affection asked why i was doing this, not because he is a great encourager of swearing, but because he was curious. I couldn't really articulate why, the only lame reason I could give was that I was swearing around seniors and children and that told me it was a little out of control.

My ex boyfriend called today, i saw his number come up and fear struck my heart. He recently "unfriended" me on facebook (which is a stinging blessing) and emailed me a few times, which i ignored...and then now this phone call. he didn't leave a message, which just leaves me on my toes wondering if he'll call again....maybe he just accidentally called me.

its funny how i feel for him anger, fear, and when i feel really safe...i grieve the loss of him and the loss of myself in him. thats the way I censor myself when I think of him...everytime i feel sad about it i tell myself he's not worth it, or i was sad and lonely enough when I was with him i don't need to be sad and lonely now. but its important i think of him and grieve him so that i don't censor it.